More letters to people.

I have no other ideas so I’ll re-use an old idea that I stole from someone else.

Dear Old Boss —

I had you by the proverbial balls, but, true to form, you played it calm, padded me with money, and sent me on my way.  I often wonder if you have always been as corrupt as you are now.  I found your Facebook page and you seem to have lots of friends, though I have not been impressed by the quality of friendships people have when it comes to party-and-drink-all-the-time relationships, as yours appear to be.  But then again, what do I know?  My wife made the comment that your attitude towards women is a tell-tale sign of the quality of person you are, and I have to agree.  I was about to say that it seems you treat your wife well, but then I realized that’s just because she’s extremely nice and didn’t throw a fit when you made her work 8-hour days for no pay in the office when she was 7 months pregnant.  The sooner I can forget about you, the better.


Dear (Former?) Friend —

Yeah, you really have me confused.  Based on all I can see, there is no manic-depressive behavior anywhere else in your life, just when it comes to us.  I would have hoped that you would have been someone to stand in my wedding and someone who I could visit or have visit regularly to often reminisce about the turn of the century days, but you have decided instead to wallow in the hostility you imagine I have.  It’s very sad.


Dear HR Director of GeoEngineers, Inc. —

I would completely rock that marketing position you’ve had open for more than 3 months.  On one hand, I can’t imagine why it has stayed open for that long, but on the other hand, you DID turn me down without an interview within 48 hours.  Twice.  Well, I hope you find the right person.


Dear Guy in Some Class I had at SIU —

I don’t think you had actually heard of the band Aloha when I mentioned them, and when I asked you if you knew the song “Warsaw,” I think you were thinking of that weird one on the disk we had to listen to for our Music History class.  It’s not that song.  It’s way better.  I was listening to it as I wrote this letter to you.


Dear Craig from —

Did you really knock Bad Religion and then sing the praises of Powerman 5000?  I like your taste in, and commentary on, video games, but my goodness man you have horrible taste in music.


Dear Former Classmates in Mrs. Boyer’s 2nd period Literature/Comp. Class in the school year 1996/1997 —

I’m really sorry for reading those parts in MacBeth in a really bad British accent.  Even those of you with the tiniest bit of compassion in your hearts could have seen how stupid I felt when I remembered that last night, you’d forgive me in an instant.


Dear Mrs. Boyer —

Some of the most interesting people we meet in life are those who think they understand the whole world, but it turns out they’re just really full of themselves.  You’re #1 on my list.  Hope you’re doing well!


Dear anyone who read these —

Sorry they were almost all condescending and mean.  Can I do one more that might be funny?  Thanks.


Dear Person Who Played Every Pixies Song They Could at Beth’s Last Weekend —

I have a sneaking suspicion you like The Pixies only because you think it will give you indie cred.  Well, turns out that NO ONE who is really honest about the music they like, likes The Pixies so much that they’ll pick 7 of their songs when selecting 10 songs from a jukebox.  I actually would submit that as a litmus test for phonies.  I go to Beth’s like once every 9 months!  I don’t want to spend it listening to “Debaser!”


Dear anyone who read these —

Yeah, I failed.  But trust me, that had to be said.


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