A clean rant

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that Axe Body Spray and Body Wash commercials annoy the crap out of me. Is this product of such low quality that they have to try to convince guys that women will not be able to resist carnal assault at the very wiff of ShockKilo, or Snake-Peel? What’s worse is that they’re coming out with scents for chocolate and leather and who-knows-what-else-is-on-its-way. I mean, what woman can control herself at the scent of a man who smells like a stale Hershey’s bar or the shoe department in Wal-Mart?

Honestly, though, I’d be afraid of a woman that actually found that attractive. My mind produces an image of a way-too-small tube top and an aluminum bottle of Bud Light sitting behind a trailer on an otherwise-vacant 16-acre lot. Perhaps I’m being mean, but regardless I’ve found yet another reason that I’m glad I’m married to who I’m married to.

I’d still be bar-and-wash-cloth if I didn’t determine years ago that such a method was the reason I itched constantly. However, since I did, I’ve switched to the body wash method. It’s often quite a challenge to find neutral-colored washy thingies, but I get by. I’ve bought Axe before, though it was years ago, when the stuff was new, the ads weren’t as prevelant, and it was really cheap. I think it’s still pretty cheap, but in addition to a personal boycott on the stuff, I’d be a little embarassed to buy it. “Hi, I’m buying this because it’s soap, not because I expect women to make out with my drain after I take a shower. No, seriously.”

Currently I’m using that Nivea for Men stuff. Why? Well, Dove was too expensive, nothing else was on sale, and I was getting tired of Old Spice. But besides those reasons, they had a very effective ad run for a while. It had all these annoying teenagers going on about how important their body wash was for attracting women, etc. etc., and this Nivea stuff doesn’t fit the bill. Then they cut to Mr. Biz-Caz, wearing his suit with no tie and the top button unbuttoned, murse over his shoulder, getting into a cab in the big city. He looks the bottle over, smells it, says, “doesn’t reek, won’t dry my skin . . . works for me.” That’s right, my fellow corporate slave, it does work. So does the ad. Kudos to the advertising department that came up with that one. It’s not so much that I’ve been convinced that “this is the body wash for those of us who are smarter than those who buy and perhaps buy into Axe,” but more the fact that I can clearly see that someone else out there sees an Axe commercial and feels a small part of them die inside.

Well, my bottle of Nivea is running low, my unnamed brethren. Keep it up and I might get another.


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