A “letters to various people” rip-off

My friend wrote a blog that was a few small letters to various people in her life. And then she did it again. I liked the blogs. I liked the idea. I told her I was going to steal the idea. She said that I’d better give her the credit for the idea. So I just did.


Dear George Burmeister,

Where the hell have you been, man? The last time I saw you, it was in the middle of the night by that Family Video near your house and you were walking your dog. Sorry I didn’t seem that interested in talking to you. I was probably preoccupied. I regret it now, because you and I had good times in high school and I wish we could reminisce. Remember when that guy beat you up in the 2nd floor bathroom, just upstairs from the cafeteria? That sucked. At least you can hold your head high and know that you’re not a tool like he was.


Dear Guy who tailed me for 2 miles in light traffic on I-90 on Mercer Island and then sped past me and cut me off in the tunnel and gave me the bird,

Sorry. I’m not sure what I did, but it would have to be pretty bad to get that reaction from someone when there’s hardly any traffic and three lanes. How long were you on my tail? For a second I began to think that maybe you were a friend of mine who was messing with me, and for another second I considered doing a break check. I wouldn’t have cared if you ruined my car. It would have been your fault and I’m not too crazy about my Civic, anyway. Too bad there’s nothing thats that recognizable about my car, either. It’s a black 2001 Civic. How many of those do you see on your morning commute? I usually count 5 or 6. But you . . . I don’t remember what kind of car you had, but I remember that New York Giants sticker on the left side of your trunk. Well, I’m going to move on now, but I’m excited about the possibility that I could end up behind you someday.


Dear Anomalous Co-worker,

You are fascinating. You used to always complain about having no friends, and no social life, and so I invited you to hang out with me and my friends, but instead of getting to know people, you stood back and assumed they were all judging you (which is ironic considering you were the one judging them). Eventually, you started to say that to have friends was a bad thing all together. Did you catch what you did? You found it too difficult to open yourself up to new people, so you changed your mind on the whole concept. When I made my last effort to include you, you slapped my hand away and insulted me. If you choose to not take me up on my offer, that’s your prerogative. But if that is your choice, please stop complaining to me about how the few friends you do have treat you like dirt, and also stop trying to convince me that all of my friends only wish to someday stab me in the back. Trust me, they’re not. I know them a lot better than you.


Dear Claudio & Company,

You guys rock. I’m in the middle of a total binge of your albums right now. Did you see me that day back in the early summer of 2002 at the Hi-Pointe in St. Louis? I would have been against the wall to your right. No? That’s okay. It’s been a while.


Dear Scary Big Guy who thought Visa would send him a credit card bill when I ran his debit card as a credit card when I worked at Kohl’s,

Since you’re not actually in front of me right now, I can let you know that you’re a big idiot. And I knew you were an idiot then. But I doubt myself very easily, and you were very intimidating and your eyes were going bloodshot because you were so angry with me, so can you blame me for keeping my mouth shut? Besides, my manager walked by when you were yelling at me, and I thought she would step in to help. Guess I gambled and lost on that one. She called my register 5 minutes after you left to ask what you were so mad about. Did you ever get that bill from Visa? I’m actually most curious if you’ve figured out by now how debit cards work. It saddens me to think that you probably forgot about our little moment and never stopped to think about how that bill never came.


Dear friend who gave me this idea,

I figure it only appropriate to address you in this blog since 1) I got the idea from you; and 2) you’ve addressed me in both of yours. I don’t have much to say. Well, one thing I can say is you really need to work on that impulsive thing. I think if you had stuck with your idea for stuff to do on Sunday, you still would have had a good time. Return of the King is a spectacular film, regardless of your incorrect judgment on The Two Towers. That’s right, I’m saying your opinion is incorrect. Again. Also, thanks for laughing at the things I say. Seriously. I like to fee like I’m a funny guy. I’m looking forward to stealing champagne with you, too. I mean pouring it. Pouring champagne with you. Three posts today, too. Or maybe 2.1.


One response to “A “letters to various people” rip-off

  1. Let’s say it like it is: Seatling. And pouring. but mostly stealing. Thanks for the credit on this post. I like it. And, you are pretty funny — just like me! Just imagine how much funnier we’ll be when we’re stealing champagne. And pouring. But mostly stealing.

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