Similes

Here are some similes. Or half similes, I guess. Or maybe I’m defining simile slightly wrong. Whatever. If you don’t get one, don’t over-think it. It’s probably not worth it.

It’s like ditching a hippie in Amsterdam.

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It’s like buying Amy Winehouse an opium field.

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I’m all over that like last night’s dinner on a toddler in a trailer park.

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It was like trying to startle a sleeping puppy at the mall’s pet store.

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That thing went limp faster than a puppy from the mall’s pet store.

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I’ll pick her up like I was a seminary student at a senior-year event in an all-girl’s Christian college.

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That was more brutal than Dan Rather taking on Mike Tyson in a spelling contest.

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It was as useful as Unitarianism.

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It was as shocking as seeing John Stewart actually contribute to society.

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I felt like a Scientologist wearing an “I Love Tom” t-shirt, reading a copy of Psychology Today.

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I was as late as a narcissist in her second trimester.

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I was as panicked as Richard Simmons trapped alone in an ice cream parlor.

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I was as happy as Jenna getting People magazines on Friday morning AND Monday afternoon.

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One response to “Similes

  1. I love it! And, last night, I came home from practice to a fresh, shiny, new People magazine waiting for me. It was delicious reading material before bed.

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