I hope you know what you're doing . . .

Okay, pay attention, take notes if necessary:

Yeah – an alternative, more casual version of “yes.” An affirmative. “Yeah, I remembered the soda.”

Yea – an Old English word, pronounced “yay.” “Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Rape and Despair . . . “

Yay – an expression of excitement. “Yay! You remembered the soda!”

Ya – an informal version of “you.” “Top of the mornin’ to ya.”

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Then – used to illustrate sequence. “I bought the soda and then I went to the party.”

Than – used to illustrate difference. “The soda cost more than the chips.”

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There – used to illustrate location. “Put the soda over there.”

Their – used to illustrate possession. “The party will be at their house.”

They’re – a contraction of “they are.” “I’m bringing the soda, they’re bringing the awesome.”

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A – indefinite article used before words that begin with a consonant sound. “Hand me a soda.”

An – indefinite article used before words that begin with a vowel sound. “It would be an honor to hand you a soda.”

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Its – possessive of “it.” Note that there is NO apostrophe. “Here is the car’s engine, and over there is its hood.”

It’s – contraction of “it is.” “It’s awesome that you brought soda.”

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There’s lots more, so I’ll do sequels. Stay tuned.

I’m sure I’ll mention “Who” and “Whom,” but I’m still working on figuring that one out.

I have a lot of analogies for things. It’s really how I think, and then later express my thoughts. This one I’m going to write about is by far my favorite one for two reasons: 1) because it’s such a weird place to draw an analogy from, and 2) because it’s a really darn good analogy.

One of my buttons is the “Christian” war on magic, the occult, and “satanism.” I think it’s really, really misguided. I have so many friends that were not allowed to watch The Smurfs or Scooby-doo when they were kids because those shows had magic or witches in them. I’ve heard people talk about and people write about the “evils” of the Harry Potter series and how it’s teaching children witchcraft. My dad hated my love for the fantasy genre in my teen years because of its associations with and influences from Dungeons & Dragons, which EVERYBODY KNOWS is a game satanists play. I even have some back-woods-minded extended family that have somehow become convinced that to have a goatee is evil because “Satan has one” (that’s really the tip of the iceberg with those guys). And all of this is in addition to people freaking out over rock ‘n roll and the now-dated-but-still-acknowledged fears that subliminal messages are hidden in secular music to turn young teenagers in to orgy-attending Satan worshipers.

A lot of this runs hand-in-hand with the idea that as a Christian, one is not supposed to fight for a niche in culture, but rather represent Christ in the world. When you get that, and I mean really get it, you begin to see how all those people are loved by Jesus and need to be shown that, and the whole “them vs. us” thing becomes irrelevant. Through understanding that, too, it becomes clear how Satan really is trying to lead us astray and corrupt us. It’s in the form of day-to-day temptations, trying to muddle what we hear from God, and trying to subtly set us on the wrong paths. He does this by getting us to make compromises, or to get us focused on the wrong things. He does not do this by entering our minds from the page of a Harry Potter book.

I want to add in a little factoid for everyone: The overly-conservative-Christian belief that the Harry Potter books teach and influence our children to practice witchcraft was born out of an article from The Onion parody newspaper, which means the whole story was made up. The article was actually cited as fact in some Christian journals on the subject, because those authors did not understand that The Onion is one huge joke.

Of course I don’t want to imply that I think that anything that can genuinely be categorized as “dark arts” is harmless, but it’s primary harm is to those who practice them and it’s not horribly contagious. If your daughter starts hanging out with a Wiccan boy and brings home some of his reading materials, then I think you have cause for concern and should step in. But I do not think that if your kid finds that the Dragonlance book series is entertaining, that he or she will begin to hear demonic voices and be led like a zombie to a dark basement apartment where there is an in-process black mass, and then strip naked and join the orgy.

Okay. On to the analogy. You’ve waited so patiently.

The Care Bears Movie II was more of a reboot rather than a sequel to the first film. Of course I didn’t understand this at age 6 and 7. For a brief synopsis of the plot of the movie so you understand the analogy better: a summer camp in a northwestern state is taken over by the evil Dark Heart, who has disguised himself as a kid, and he has made all the kids at the camp stop caring. Stop caring about what you ask? Everything! They knock over trash cans and gave developed dark circles under their eyes. Gasp! Two children have escaped this, who conveniently felt rejected and unloved at the beginning of the story but found friends in the Care Bears.

So, it’s clear that Dark Heart needs to be stopped. True Heart Bear (the yellow one in the picture above on the left) and Noble Heart Horse (the purple one . . . yes, apparently it’s a horse) (for the record, I had to look up their names on IMDB) set out to take Dark Heart down. They travel through caves and oceans, staying hot on what they think is his tail – but this is where the surprise comes in: they’re actually chasing his shadow. By the time they catch up and figure out they’ve not actually been chasing the real Dark Heart, their home (Care-a-Lot) is destroyed and Dark Heart has taken all the other Care Bears prisoner. (Don’t worry, the good guys win, but that’s not part of the analogy).

The final point is that people that get up in arms over magic in cartoons and Harry Potter books and kids wearing black nail polish, but they’re being fooled by the evil one to think that all of those things are what they need to point their shields at, while the real enemy wrecks their homes and their lives, and by the time they figure it out it’s too late.

I don’t have any big conclusion. That’s pretty much it.

Have any of those albums that immediately whisk you back to a certain time in your life? I’ve got lots. Here’s 13 of them.

Losing Streak by Less Than Jake. The first half of 1997. The post-Betsy-Gladish-breakup. Evenings in my bedroom. Weekends in my bedroom. Rides to school on the city bus. Discussing the true history of ska music in one of my many art classes. Smoking on smoker’s alley. The big car accident on Stevenson and Stanton.

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Lookit by Slapstick. Summer 1997. Working at Bost Truck Service. Getting way dirtier than I should have been at that job. Going to church at Elm Street Baptist. Driving the big van. Getting the Yoda doll that is still in my car to this day. Letters to Alex Ingram and Betsy Gladish. The best Super Summer ever.

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For Monkeys by Millencolin. Summer-Fall 1998. Driving the Geo Storm. Late nights working at McDonald’s. Late nights playing Final Fantasy VII. Bob dying.

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Hello Rockview by Less Than Jake. Fall 1998 – Spring 1999. The first year of college at Lincoln Land. Hanging out with Skip. The Great Mattress Factory Catastrophe. Eagerly anticipating the release of Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

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Goddamnit by Alkaline Trio. Fall 1999 – Spring 2000. The second year of college. The start of the Rad214 / Matthew era. Hanging out at Fred’s. Going to countless shows in Champaign and St. Louis. And Bloomington. Loving my job at Kohl’s.

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Hey Mercedes EP by Hey Mercedes. Winter 2000-Spring 2001. Living in my apartment. Learning to like emo. The end of the Rad214 / Matthew era. Working at Rent-A-Center. That weird wart-like thing formed on my left ring finger and it’s still there. Hanging out with that Mickey Gould guy. What ever happened to him, anyway?

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The Moon is Down by Further Seems Forever. Fall 2002. Living at Grandma’s. Going to SIU. Struggling socially. Skip and Aaron not returning calls. A mean girl named Kendal. Working at Hot Topic.

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American Football by American Football. Winter 2002-2003. Life on the upswing. Hanging out with Justin, who would later become the world’s worst roommate, but he was cool then. Getting to know Mikey & Brandon. Committing to the Vine(yard). Aaron & Courtney Kuhnert’s group.

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It Won’t Snow Where You’re Going by Park. Summer 2003-Summer 2004. Country Club Circle. Living with Justin and Adam and later John and Adam. Hot summer days playing video games. Walking to the mall, but still driving to work.

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Come On Feel the Illinoise! by Sufjan Stevens. Spring-Fall 2005. Jon Farn’s group. Jogging every day. Still working at The Shake. The trip to Arizona. The trip to Chicago. Some girl named Metiney.

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Set Yourself on Fire by Stars. Summer-Fall 2006. Leaving Carbondale. Moving to Seattle.

Frengers by Mew. Now. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I get the feeling big change is coming . . . and I’m pretty sure this album’s going to define it. If not, it’s still good music.